Hook´m Horns
Written by: Naira Trix
I wish this was an article about football. But its not. While I love the Longhorns as much as the next person, I don’t really know enough about football to write a lengthy piece. Besides, my current subject might be more interesting. Namely: hookers (something I can apparently wax poetic on. Ugh.)
What is up with all the hookers? As I prance (Yes, I do prance. Ask my friends. Walking is so passé), down Calle Uruguay on a Friday evening I am struck by how much blonder, bigger breasted and poorly covered my fellow female revelers have gotten. Regardless of the boom of Chinese clothiers, to look at the chicks walking around at night in this city, fabric has clearly gotten more expensive. Otherwise why would they be wearing so little of it?
It used to be (Circa 2000) that you could walk down Calle Uruguay or into any club in the city and depending on how swank or trendy the place was the clientele would reflect a mix of the social stratagem of Panama. The high class hipsters with their Blue Steel looks, the average Janes wearing head to toe Estampa or Felix and the social climbers wearing ill fitting fabrics trying to look like they belonged. If the viewing was predictable it was at least charming and definitely not offensive. There was a pervasive sense of innocent adolescent horniness amongst friends. Even though over-30s were in the crowd, the feeling was decidedly more American Pie than Blow.
Fast forward to 2009. Several new animals dot the evening landscape. With Panama growing exponentially and the promise of economic freedom on everyone’s mind, the players of the night have changed. In came the cute backpackers with the year around tans and flip flops (God Bless´em); the young, upstart, expat entrepreneurs with the big plans and the small budgets; the returning Panamanian artists adding culture and foreign flair; both Panamanian and foreign yuppies desperately attached to singledom and success; the wealthy older expat men with the stay at home wives and the expense accounts, etc, etc.
But always in the jungle there are animals more abundant than others and because we are all part of a food chain, where one goes others will follow. Thus one animal stands apart and above all the others. Its stripes are more colorful, its sway more striking and its livelihood more cunning. Every evening they come out of their dens and sashay into the night to stalk their favorite prey. Or should I say stand ready to be preyed on? (oy vey, the feminist in me, she is confused!)
The Hookerus Extranjerus is easy enough to recognize. You will usually see blond hair on caramel skin and a chest that threatens to release itself on all those present. If denim is worn it will invariably be of the stretchy minimalist variety and it will be glued to various latex enhanced body parts. The feet will be at least four inches above the ground looking uncomfortably strapped into usually plastic heels (see through plastic, if the Hookerus is feeling especially skanky, just ask Chris Rock). At least four of last season’s trends will be worn haphazardly at the same time blinding the average onlooker and making Versace cringe from the great beyond. The Hookerus prefers to travel in packs with other Hookeri (the correct plural enunciation) from their same family group (Hookerus Colombianus, Hookerus Dominicanus, Hookerus Localis) and when successful can be seen hanging from the forearm of their preferred prey/predator Welti Foraneous (another article). The Hookerus will however eat before she sleeps regardless on the quality of meat out on the street and is not bound by regular social conventions such as the privacy of ones nipples.
And thus on the average Friday night when yours truly ventures out with my equally independent, opinionated, differently shaped and definitely dressed friends we are faced with a parade of scantily clad, crank up toys with service minded attitudes that are forever toying with men’s (already fragile) minds. Like a series of army platoons, they goosestep past me threatening to forever skew an entire generation’s concept of beauty, femininity and what constitutes pleasurable sex (for both parties).
Regardless of why they are there (please spare me the Economist or Bleeding Heart lecture on this), as a fellow reveling female I am offended by their obvious presence and the now blatant display of “trade”. It throws the evening off balance and to be perfectly blunt it trashes the place up. As much as my fellow liberal, peace n love friends might hate to say a thing like this in polite company, nothing (except maybe IV drugs) makes a place seedier, faster the a whole lot of bold hookers. Plus it honestly makes the bar scene fill up with progressively jerkier males who no sane chick (yes I consider myself a chick, you made it possible Steinem) would date. Not that they will notice what with their eyes (all 3) being firmly engaged by the fembots. (Oh yes, boys, as insane as it sounds we do want to date you and against our own reason and experience we still think we might meet a decent version of you when we go out).
So what is a single, average breasted, brunette lass to do? Set aside a budget for those D cups? Buy smaller, more ill fitting clothes? Resign myself to places with strict door policies (as if such a thing exists in PTY) and 10$ appletinis? Wait for the government to step in with some kind of seedy Disneyland where the Hookeri and their mates can live happily ever after without tarnishing the aesthetics of my night out? Pretend that I have no desire for male attention? Or, the horror, be relegated to attracting the attention of men whose interests go beyond the size of your breasts, the thrust of your pelvis or your per hour rate. As if one would ever want to spend time with such men. They might even have feelings, educated opinions or heaven forbid principles. If such men exist and I find them I will love them looooong time. Sucky Sucky.[1]
Please Leave A Comment.
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Russell on Wed, 15th Jul 2009 12:09 pm
To be honest, I find it a real down side of going out now. Before it used to be fun to go out, mix with locals, chat the girls up etc. But now 90% of the girls there are hookers and they stick to you like fly to s**t. Maybe my perspective has changed now I’m married, but its horrid to go out, especially with the wife. Most women treat her as competition and most guys look at her like another hooker, so its very uncomfortable to go out around the popular places now. Not to mention the casinos, Venetto is practically the center for these girls, if the Venetto had been on the titanic, it wouldnt have sank with all that silicone!
Its a real shame and makes the place really seedy. Theres a time and a place for hookers yes (not that I ever use them!), but not all the time and not everywhere you go, its too much now…. my 2 cents..
Jack G. on Wed, 15th Jul 2009 7:56 pm
Hilarious!! I love the use of genus/species names with the hookers and the hooker-hunters. I have to tell you that a designated, big-kid Hooker-land is not a bad idea. We could call it, ummm, lets see, oh, how about Las Vegas!
Shit.
Already taken.
On another note, I happen to prefer brunettes. 6532-3029. Hit me up if you are looking for a good time, Naira.
John A. Facade on Thu, 16th Jul 2009 12:14 am
I know who you are, naughty girl. Your opinions notwithstanding, hookers are good for tourism, business and they make up for the shite selection of decent women to date in this country.
Ms. G.- a HUGE Fan of EyeOnPanama.com on Thu, 16th Jul 2009 1:42 pm
Think about it this way, although they may be a spectacle to look at in bed, their actual ability to have great sex may not be that great. Just having huge boobs and a cute face doesn’t make sex great. Of course it may be a turn on at first, but never having to try to get guys or make any effort whatsover may cause for a bad experience behind closed doors.
A regular girl can therefore playup the fact that even though you lack the sex appeal of a hooker, you may therefore have had to makeup for this lack in other ways in the bedroom, hence making you a great lover. Guys don’t want to be with fake boobed, std ridden, have-to-wear-three-condoms-keep-your-pants-on-and-have-sex-through-the-zipper-of-those-pants girl forever, and a good lover is hard to forget– and even harder to let go.
Ms. G
Don on Sun, 19th Jul 2009 12:48 pm
Its not tough to avoid ‘them’
they generally make the local non-working women more appealing anyways
Lyn McKee on Wed, 22nd Jul 2009 8:18 am
Funny and well written. Sometimes I think I am beginning to understand the men who look for these women. Is it possible that many of them are emotionally damaged and do not want a “real” relationship. It’s like it was in college when we discovered we could do whatever we wanted with whomever we wanted and it was just recreation. Many men seem unable or unwilling to have the kind of relationships you talk about wanting and so having the Hookers in the street just helps the rest of the women sort out the “serious” men from the “Johns”. Very efficient really and in this country the opportunities are somewhat limited for women without any real education. They cannot all work in the bank and I am thinking the Hookers make a better wage!
Joseph Frick De Silva on Sun, 23rd Aug 2009 6:36 am
Too funny. Well written and oh so true. Give your readers more.
lee on Mon, 22nd Feb 2010 1:43 am
Too bad some hookers need to dress like trash. The advantage we males have w/ hookers is that the hooker is there to please us. The great majority of nonhookers
waste your time, think there is a debt incurred by “giving ” one sex, meanwhile trying to get to your bank account in a more sutle manner. Phonies to the end in most cases. But driven by financial independence at the expense of others,males.
Try divorce. The penduum is so far in the female’s favor that hookeritis is booming more than ever.
Friend on Mon, 25th Oct 2010 3:52 am
I realize your article is over a year old, but I felt impelled to comment that I find your every writting to be so exquisite. I find myself wanting to read more from every one of your paragraphs, like when reading a favorite book, regardless of the topic you are writing about. You should write a book, and if you had please let me know where to find it.
Regarding the topic, there is no free sex really, it’s always a give and take, cause with dates, girlfriends and wifes, you spend much more money that with the Hookeri, and they all have the same capacity to have great sex. I envy people that can make love though, I never had made love and probably never will. But I do not pay for sex, I feel as though that would degrade me. Still I have not been impervious to the Colombian derailing influence, and have scored (not paid) with hot Colombian girls that work as strippers and hookers, just not as a client or even having met them in their working environment. The Hookeri also have real lifes, some have a kid, and out of their ecosystem, you may pick on them like on any other woman not of their species. So unintentionally, out of their feeding ecosystem, and cause they where hot, I have gotten the opportunity to pray on them as with regular women. I have found with that experience that there is no such thing as a heartless bitch. Love can always kick in within anybody’s heart, even with these women, and they will then want you to love them back and be exclusive, just like regular women. All the hanging out in their department, sharing their beds, spending time with them, and their child if any, going out with them (obviously to places no one in your level would recognize you after you learn what they do for a living), has the same effect on them as with regular women. Eventhough one would think that as they trade sex they would be impervious to certain things, they get hurt, like this once I told a person in a place that I wanted to go back, not to mention I had been there before when I did, but did it very discrete, and the gal still picked up the move and got hurt. Cause somehow, I don’t really know how that works, its seems like when they are out of their praying ecosystem, they kind of like turn back into regular hearted women. I have to disgree though that they were bad sex, maybe with paying clients, but not in their regular selves. They give into as any regular women when having sex with a parner, not a client. I did refrain however, any time I dated a Hookeri as a woman and not as such, to get to any sort of definition of what kind of link we had, cause of the stigma, and never allowed for any picture taking of us. Agreed once to taking pictures of one, at Corona Beach (yes, that crap beach cause no one would recognize me there). I want to be very clear that this was no sort of regular arrangement, but actual dating with them.